Going Under

Safety and security, we all crave these intangible things. We claw for them in their absence and cling to them when they’re in our grasp. At times though, we take them for granted and they slip through our fingers while our horrified mind screams in silence. This is what it’s like to go from the elation of feeling a life grow inside you, to the horror of that dream dying before you have even had the chance to protest. It’s happened to me… twice and the fact is, it never gets easier. There’s never a point in which you better deal with a doctor telling you that your baby is dead or won’t live very long once born. Despite the soul crushing pain that resulted from those losses, I would never change having had them. I mean baring having my sons alive and in my arms today, I would not rather they never existed. I was blessed with three beautiful souls. Each with very different personalities, who I got to know well in their short time with me. Maybe it’s selfish but they are indeed living out their life in my imagination, the life that they were robbed of. The birthday’s we will never celebrate or vacations we won’t enjoy, all playing out for my own peace of mind.

It’s easy though, for me to say I have no regrets now. It’s been three years this summer and time really does heal, for the most part. However, when you’re in the throes of grief and despair it’s kind of difficult to look on the bright side. Loss is akin to drowning, floating in an unrelenting ocean where you cannot see beyond the waves crashing in your face. Society has normalized so many taboos but god forbid you should talk about you pregnancy loss, or your dead infant. Do you get that blank look from people when you dare to speak about your pregnancy loss or baby who’s passed? What I’ve learned from the loss of my boys, is that there is a painful lack of services and support in place for woman who have experienced pregnancy loss, stillbirth and early infant death. It’s the last great taboo that nobody wants to address, too many feels for the general public. That needs to change, their memories should live in the light and not just the dusty corners of our minds.

4 thoughts on “Going Under

  1. So beautifully stated. Your love for your sons is so strong and unwavering. They will always be in my thoughts and my heart. Dillon, Luke and Jacob ❤️

  2. Beautiful words for such tragic losses. I lost my first at 17 weeks due to some unknown cause of bacteremia. I will always remember her, she would have turned 6 this month. You are a strong, beautiful woman💜

  3. Heartbreaking, incredibly honest, and hopefully – a help to others facing this crushig pain. I am always proud of you.

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